#4 "May I touch your belly?"

No. No you may not.

I have not been asked this question a lot. I think it’s because the sarcasm leaves a scent on my body that wards off any overly touchy people. But I know that it happens and I know that perfect strangers think it’s appropriate to ask this question. Alas, it is not. I think it’s a good rule of thumb to remember that the woman will invite you in for a feelski if she deems you worthy. She’s probably way more excited to feel her baby move than you are and she wants to share that with her friends and family. It’s not uncommon for someone to say “would you like to feel the baby kick?” Just wait for it.

However, if you see a woman in the grocery store who is great with child it is very unlikely that she will ask you to feel her bump. It would be inappropriate for her to ask a perfect stranger to touch her body. And… it’s inappropriate for you to ask too. I know, that’s disappointing… the belly calls out to you, you can see the little life in there wiggling around, it’s like a magnet drawing you in. But you MUST resist the urge.

I thought about possibly opening a booth for people to pay to feel the baby kick. I mean, come on… new parents are BROKE! There is NO shame in making a little cash on the side and if nothing else it teaches your unborn child the meaning of hard work. We ARE in a recession and… working hard is a lesson that is lacking in our society today and I think it’s important for all children to learn it, and learn it early. I decided it was a bad idea because it only encourages belly-touchers to continue their odd behavior with unsuspecting pregnant women around the globe.

I knew a girl who had a stranger approach her, lay hands on her unborn child, and begin to pray out loud. I mean… ok, that’s nice. God likes it when we pray and especially when we pray for children. But seriously?!?! Throw a warning out there first!! This poor girl was so terrified by the praying woman’s well intentioned gesture that she just ran away…. And THAT is something God does not like, pregnant women running. It would’ve been so much better if the woman had mentioned “hey, I’d like to pray for your baby, do you mind?” Anything like that would’ve worked.

Bottom line, don’t touch people on any body part other than an arm or shoulder. People like you more when you have boundaries. Trust.